Words can hurt...

I just watched a couple of movies that really spoke out to me. Cyberbu//y and The Fat Boy Chronicles. These movies definitely make you think about how you may treat others or how others treat you. People get called names, get pushed around, teased and made fun of, yet no one ever tries to really do anything about it. People get judged by the way the dress, talk, look and the way they do things. Rumors are a huge factor in bullying and teasing as well. Girls are mostly the main cause of rumors but there are guys that do the exact same thing. Girls call eachother whores, skanks, cunts, easy, fake, b*****s and hoes because of the way they dress, or if they hang out with alot of guys. Guys call eachother gay, faggots, homos,  and queers by their sexuality or how they dress and talk. All of this is not just going on at school or in person. This is starting to become very common online, on social-networking sites like facebook and twitter. The phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" is the biggest lie anyone has ever told. How many times have you been called a name and it hurt your feelings in one way or another? I have been called all the above, and it truely hurts. It makes a person feel worthless and unwanted when someone calls them a name like that. They may not like to show how much it hurts, and how much it affect them. They dont want people to know that they have a weakness. Eventually it all builds up. All the emotion, all the pain, all the fear of not being good enough. It all comes out in one big heap of emotion. Words can hurt. If it is online or in person, it doesnt matter. It happens to everyone, in one form or another, yet no one says anything about it. No one wants to be the one who stands up and says that this is wrong. I believe that if a person feels that it is wrong, they should voice their opinion about it and not just stay silent in the background. One person standing up to another that bullies and harasses is all it takes. It takes one person to create a wave of inspiration to do the right thing. Most people have the instinct to do the right thing and say something, they just need the inspiration, the support, the example to get them going. One day, things will change for better or for worse. A lot of people say its just going to get worse from here......I am willing to challenge that...

Forgive Me..

Forgive me for never showing my emotions. Forgive me for remembering every little detail of every little memory that I've had with you. Forgive me for actually falling in love with the one person that I could truly love for the rest of my life. Forgive me for keeping all of those dorky notes and cute poems. Forgive me for listening to songs over and over again because they remind me of you. Forgive me for thinking that we could have been something amazing. Forgive me for believing that you actually felt the same way. Forgive me for trying to make you happy. Forgive me for wanting to be more than friends. Forgive me for thinking that you were over her. Forgive me for all those days that I've lied about why I was crying because the real reason was you. Forgive me for being sad for months while you were gone. Forgive me for not always telling you what's wrong. Forgive me for making stupid decissions. Forgive me for trying so hard to be with you. Forgive me for EVERYTHING....

[[Wanna Be Loved For Who I Am...Not What I Look Like]

I am more than what my face or my body depicts. I wish some guys could see past those aspects of me. I want people to see who I really am. I need a guy who understans everything that I have been through and done, and who doesn't see me as anything less than who I am. I need to be told that I am good enough. I feel as if some guys only care about my appearance, attributes and features. I want someone who is able to see underneath all of that. I have alot of flaws, I mean who doesn't?, but I just wish I could have someone who sees past every single one of them and doesnt think anything less of me. What is on the inside matters alot, what someone looks like on the outside is just a bonus. I have been loved because of my body or my looks, and I didnt like it. I have been wanted for things because of my body and it makes me feel used. I want to be loved more for who I am as a person. I dont believe that looks should matter as much as everyone says they do. I dont love others for what they look like, I love for what I see in them. I get told that I am cute, hot, pretty, beautiful and gorgeous...but all that doesnt matter to me...because if they tell me that, they are only looking at the surface of who I am. I just want to be loved for who I am, not what I look like.

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced"

Some things in life go by way to fast. People leave and things change. A very wise and close friend told me "...it's hard to let go of people...and there must be a reason". Things are meant to change..even people are meant to change, whether we like it, or not. Its just life's way of teaching us how to move on. I am the kind of person that doesn't like change very much...expecially sudden change. I have learned that I have no control over what changes and what does not, and neither does anyone else out there. Some changes are good and for the better...others are hard to deal with and seem like they shouldn't have changed at all. A lot of things have been twisted around and messed with in my life. Friendships, trust, family and anyting else in between. Things have happend to me in my life that I really wish didnt happen, and all of my feelings and perspective towards those events have changed as my views have changed. As it is getting close to graduation and the end of my junior year...i realize that it is going to be extreamly different as a senior in high school. I will have more responsibilities and more expectations, and that is because of everything that I have done to get to this point..I changed my future by pushing myself and changing things to get where I am now. So I guess my point is that, some change is good, some...not so much, but is still needed.We learn this lesson in life through our own experiences and all the different changes that we went through ourselves!

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight"

Smiling faces are always a source of happiness and are certainly infectious. Looking at the smiling faces of babies bring us an instant joy, even when we are in the lowest of spirits. Smiling faces radiate energy that has the capability to offer light to the atmosphere and alleviate the darkness. If you see a friend without a smile, give them one of yours. Smiling increases our lifespan because it indicates that we are in a happy state of mind. Smiling is above language and is easily universal. A person who does not understand your language, can easily understand your smile. Therefore, smiling is always welcomed by all. Also, a smile is the most beautiful thing  girl can wear. More beautiful than all the make-up most girls wear to feel beautiful...even with make-up, they always feel more beautiful while they are smiling!

"To give everything, is to have nothing left".

 We usually have to give it our all to get very far in life! I have now realized that!! If you want something bad enough, it shouldn't be very hard to give everything for it! You need to put your whole heart into it, to get something out of it! Some people dont have to give everything, to get what they want to be happy, but they will never know the feeling of actually using everything you have to get that! It really does make all the difference. When someone tells you that you cant do something, you turn around and tell then "watch me". It is a great feeling when you prove to someone that you can do what they never thought you could! When you are behind in a race, you have to make it your job to catch the person in front of you, because that means that you want more than you already have! It means that you have the strength and determination to give more than you tought you had! Even if you are far behind and you are tired, keep trying to catche that person. Once you think you have given everything, and are waiting to crash down, try to give more....because over half the time, you have more to give than you think! The last thing I want to say in this post is, Never Give Up... It is really hard to beat a person who never gives up! Even when you feel like you can't go on or can't do something, keep trying to get up or keep trying to do it...eventually, everyone finds the strength to do what they have always wanted to accomplish! When all those people in the stands are cheering for you, it feels so good! It makes you feel like they are proud of you! But you will never have that feeling if you dont just give it your all! So just go for it! If you leave everything you had out there, no one can tell you that you didn't do your best!

Trust and Honesty

So I was told to do a post about this today, because of some issues that went down, so here it is. Trust and Honesty are two very important things in life. They are definately something that each relationship should be based on. I consider these two things to be very important in my personal relationships, but both partners-in-crime need to agree that they will both be open, honest, and will be able to trust the other. Trust is a very hard thing for me, and alot of people also. I dont trust very many people unless they prove that I can trust them with anything! I try to be one of those people who other people can trust with things that are important to them! I dont tell random people things that other people have talked to me about. I just think that is just messed up. I mean, the person obviously trusted you enough to tell you, so why would you test that trust by telling someone who doesnt even need to know! That is why I have a hard time trusting people. I know people who try to get certain information from other people so they can start  rumors and twist the information around! They just want to know things about you, so that if you two ever get in a fight or something, then they have all this information to use against you. Now honesty, on the other hand, is a completely different story. Honesty is where you both are willing to talk about anything that you have a problem with. It is a good idea to have a relationship built on honesty, because there is no lying, no guessing and not as much drama. I am honest most of the time, and I try to be as honest as I can. I have a strong consious, and if I lie about something, it is constantly telling me that I lied and that I need to fix it! I also really respect people who are completely honest with me about things. People who are honest, tend to be more willing to help people out who need an honest oppinion! So that is my opinion on Trust and Honesty. I believe these are two of the many important things that you need for a good relationship, and even a good life. Much less drama this way.

--h

Does He Really Care?

So I'm not so sure of what to think right at the moment. There are so many thought running through my mind that it is starting to keep me up at night. For some reason, it seems like he doesnt actually care about me. Like he just wants to be with me for my body. I have been thinking, and we dont really know eachother very well. We dont know the important things about eachother like a couple should. I guess this kind of thing takes time...but I hate waiting for things to happen. If they were supposed to happen, then I want them to happen quickly. I am completely tired of waiting. For some strange reason, he doesnt talk to me first. I always have to talk to him first. If you know me well enough, you know that I hate being the first person to do something. When we do start talking, he gives me one word answeres and he is just short with me, like he is annoyed of me or something. It makes me feel unwanted and ingnored in a way. Dont get me wrong, he does some sweet things, gives me a few compliments and buys me stuff, but to me, that isnt really a big part of a relationship. In a relationship, you should be able to understand how the other person ticks, like what makes them happy, sad, mad, and whatever else. You need to know what they are scared of and what they do and dont like. You need to be able to have meaningful conversations about random things, and be able to talk for hours without having to think about what to say next. There needs to be a mutual understanding that if one is mad, sad, or not in a good mood, that the other one tries to figure out what is wrong and tries to fix it. There also needs to be respect and trust in the relationship. I feel like me and him have a few of these, but there are some important things missing here. He doesnt take the time to really get to know me. I try to make an effort to get to know him better, but he just gives me straight answers and doesnt go into detail about why it was his answer. I have a feeling that we dont click like I was hoping and how it is supposed to be like. There are very few people who know these meaningful things about me. And one of them happens to be one that I could easily see me spending the rest of my life with...but I guess things happen for a reason.....right? I will keep putting forth the effort to get to know him better, even if he doesnt even seem to care, because I was told that if I try this relationship, then I have to put all of my heart into it...so that is what I will try to do!

--h

So This Is My Blog...

So tonight, I am laying here, under all my blankets, listening to music, and looking out the window all the stars. Wishing people would understand some of the things I am going through. Some people say that I have been acting different lately. I have a perfectly good explaination for this, I really do, but for those of you who know me well enough, you know that it is easier for me to speak and express my feelings through my writing. I am a lot better at putting together words on paper or on a screen than I could ever express in words spoken through my mouth. Plus, I am too shy to say things that are important! I like to hide alot of my feelings. It's not that I am scared of telling people how I feel, it's just I dont like explaining why I feel the way I feel sometimes. I just wish there was a way for someone to be able to just look at me, and be able to tell what I am feeling and exactly what was bothering me. I am not very good at explaining things either. I always say either "I dont know" or "because"....those are usually my explainations for everything! People have told me that I need to work on being able to talk about my feelings without having to write them down. I know I need to, but then again, there are alot of ways people can express themselves. Most people are able to do this by writing music, poetry, blogs, diarys and journals. So I dissagree with the thought that we absolutely need to be able to express our feelings through spoken words. I believe that writing it out is an easier way to get it out! So this is mostly the reason why I even have a blog. Even tho there are only a few who read this. I dont like to talk about my feelings. I would rather have them just flow freely onto the paper or screen without judgement and without people asking why. On this blog that I got here..I express my deepest feelings and some of the things that I am too afraid to say in person! So this is my blog...where my feelings, wishes, dreams, opinions and thoughts are put into words for you to read! enjoy...

--h

What Do I Have To Do??

That feeling that I get when you smile at me.
That feeling ends up changing my mood dramatically.
That feeling gives me butterflies and makes my knees weak.
That feeling makes me shaky and makes me slowly loose my mind.

Knowing that you will never love me as much as I love you.
Knowing that you say you love me yet you tell her you love her too.
Knowing that you still want to be with her.
Knowing that all I did for you wasnt really enough.

Showing you how much I love you.
Showing you how much you mean to me.
Showing you that I would do anything for you.
Showing you that I am different than her.

Seeing you go back to her.
Seeing you turn away from me as an option for love.
Seeing you take my love forgranted.
Seeing you drift further and further away from me.

Not being able to stop you.
Not being able to change your mind.
Not being able to show you what we could have.
Not being able to be what you really wanted and what would make you happy.

I just hope in the long run....it makes you happy and was everything that you wanted it to be.

-hrk </3

"Mark My Words"

I don't know why I try
To work it out for you and her,
When it's really me, you should see.
It's different, mark my words.

I keep thinking it's all in my head.
When I go to sleep and start dreaming,
I wake up and realize,
That it's her that you're seeing.

This pain that I'm feeling,
Is deep in my heart..
It makes me think that,
We're just drifting apart.

You say that you love me.
Believe me, I know..
But it's making it harder,
For me to let go.

I try to hide this pain that I'm in,
So you can't see how it hurt me in the end.
It was your choice between her and I,
I guess all I can say is that I tried.

So now that you've chosen.
I see how this ties..
As I hide all my pain,
And try not to cry.

I put on a smile for everyone else.
Bury my emotions deep within myself..
I've been with you through think and thin.
I guess this is where "goodbye" has to begin.

I dont think I really understand
How she seemed better at the time...
Or why she can have you as her man..
And you just kinda left me behind...

This really is heartbreaking..
I dont know what to do..
Just mark my words that this part is true...
I really do think I'm in love with you...

If It Makes You Happy

So I have been in some intersting situations for the past 2 years. There were some huge events that happened that caused some decisions to be made. They were decisions that involved more than one person. They were the kinds of decisions where either way you went, someone was going to get hurt. So as time whent by and I got older, I had more decisions to make. But these were more serious. I admit I have made some pretty stupid choices in the 17 years I have lived. But then again, some of them that I made, I do not regret one bit! But now that I look at it as I am writing this post, I prolly wouldnt be where I am today without making the stupid and not so stupid decisions in my life. Some decisions need to be based on how it affects the other people who are involved, but many of them need to be based on what you want and what will make you happy in the end. I have been told that I always put other people before myself because that is just the person I am. And that I need to start thinking about what would make me happy and what I want! So I have started to, and I learned that at the end of the day, It makes a difference if you are truely happy or not. So just do what makes you happy, not what others think will make you happy.

<3 h

Your Weaknesses Make You Stronger

Everyone has a weakness. Actually, everyone has more than one weakness. But what I found out is that your weaknesses define who you become later in life because you learn either to work around your them or learn by them! They define how you approach obsticals in your life. If you let them, people tend to use your weaknesses against you, to bring you down and push you off track. You can let these people toss you around, or you can find out how to controll your weakness and make them your strengths. They say "What doesnt kill you makes you stronger" and I believe that this particular statement is very true. Your strengths also determine who you become. People can use your strengths also, but more for the better of you! So your weaknesses do make you stronger, but then again so do your strengths.

<3 h

Behind These Hazel Eyes

Behind these eyes, you will view many things in my life. Pain. Pleasure. Fear. Courage. Regrets. Mistakes. Happiness. Passion. Joy. Peace. War. Success. and Failure. Many of these, I see in myself and also in others. I see more things than others give me credit for. I see when they are experiencing all of these, the good and bad. I view these at a distance and in complete silence. I try not put too much commentary onto things that dont concern me. I watch from behind my own eyes and keep my personal thoughts in my head. I believe that others may think of being quiet and confined as to being weak and not prepared. Yet, in most cases, they are usually the strongest ones! They know how to control themselves and to only speak out their opinions when needed. I have seen many things with these green-brown eyes. No one else will ever see what I have seen. Many others judge people on what they do, say, think and wear. But should they really judge on what they, themselves see? Should they judge before the know? Before they listen and learn? ......Through these eyes, I have seen the nicest people be misjudged and put down before anyone even put forth the effort to listen and try to understand what that person has been through. I believe that I try to get to know the stories and backgrounds of others before I judge because know whats it's like to not be listened to and not given the chance to share what I have been through! No one has ever seen the world through my eyes. No one has ever felt my tears, felt my joy, felt my sorrow, felt my rejoyce. No one ever will. Only me. Some may know some of them from the stories that I have told, yet they will never know the honest feelings I have felt for myself.  So one lesson to be learned here is to never judge a book by its cover.....because you will never be able to see things through these eyes.

-h

[[Different From What I Was]]

For some strange reason, I feel like I have changed a lot in this past year. I can't put my finger on what exactly it is tho. I think that other people view me as outgoing, spontaneous, and sometimes just plain out weird, but that is not how I use to be seen as. People would see me as the shy, quiet one, who only talked to a few people and who just expressed herself in volleyball. I believe that I have changed my outlook on everything in my life. I enjoy myself a lot more than I use to and I am kinda liking it. I havn't decided if this "change" is good for me yet or not. I still kinda miss the way I was. I have to admit, I had more thoughts about things, even if I didn't express them when I should have. Some changes are good, yet some are better off not happening. But that is just one of those Lessons In Life we will learn as life goes on and we learn from our success and our mistakes!