Been a minute...

 Wow. I don't know what exactly told me to log back into this blog... but I decided to listen. It made me read through all of my old blog posts. Oh, how young and naive I was. Some of the posts on here are well thought out and have some deep insight into what was going on in my life and what I was feeling and thinking. Some of the other posts, not so much. 

Well, I started this blog in 2011. I was sixteen at the time, and I think I started it not only to express myself in writing, but also some of my close friends at the time had started blogs as well. It was fun to be able to write about whatever I wanted. Whatever came to my mind, or whatever was in my thoughts at night, would come out on this blog for people to read. It was a great way to get things off my chest. So much has happened since the last time I posted on here.

So let me catch you up! Prepare yourself, it's going to be a long one!

Remember Oscar? The guy that I met at Adams State University, during my first year at college? Well... we have been together off and on for going on 9 years. It has honestly been a rollercoaster to say the least. But nonetheless, we figured our stuff out and are doing great! We are living in Colorado Springs, and I love it here. I also love that I am close to New Mexico, so it makes it easy to go visit family. We now have two beautiful children together and couldn't be happier. Ariana is our oldest, at 9 years old, born in July of 2014. Yes, I did become pregnant my first year of college....it happens, but I wouldn't change it for the world. She is such an amazing, talented, caring, funny, intelligent, beautiful little girl, that I couldn't be prouder of. She asked for a little brother or little sister so many times. To be honest, our plan wasn't exactly to have such a huge age difference between our kiddos, but things happen the way they are meant to. Ander is our youngest and quite possibly our last. He was born June of this year (2023). He is now five months old, and he is so much fun! He is always so happy. He loves to laugh, loves going on walks, loves being outside and looking at trees, loves the show "Bluey" and he loves just watching people talk in front of him. He is amazing and I can't wait to see them both grow up together. I never had really close siblings growing up, and pretty much grew up as an only child living with my grandparents. Which is fine by me because it made me who I am today. But I missed out on a lot of the "growing up with siblings" part. I absolutely cannot wait to experience that with my own kiddos. 

Not only has a lot of great things happened to me, but a lot of terrible things have happened as well. I guess they say, "You can't have the good without the bad.". Unfortunately, I've had to learn that lesson the hard way apparently. It all started in 2016. My grandma (who raised me along with my grandpa) passed away at the age of 69. This was very hard on me, because it was like I was losing my mom. She was the mother-figure that I looked up to. She was such a role-model. She will always be the one person that I will strive to be like as I grow older. After that, in 2017, I ended up finding a close friend of mine, after he committed suicide. Now this one really changed a lot of my life. I ended up becoming really depressed and closed off to a lot of people. It caused problems between Oscar and I as well, that I won't go into details with. Not only that, but I also felt guilty, like it was my fault, or like I could have done more. I know now that there was absolutely nothing that I could have done to have a different outcome, but it's still a hard pill to swallow. Things kind of quieted down for a bit, and nothing too major was going on. Then the unthinkable happened when I ended up having a miscarriage at 7 weeks in November of 2019. I hadn't even told Oscar yet. It was devastating. COVID was its own thing all together. I ended up working from home a lot, Ari had online schooling, and Oscar ended up losing his job. It was a rough time, but it did force Oscar and I to be together and to work out a lot of our issues. We were doing great, and then it all came crashing down again. In October of 2020, I lost my mom and my uncle. My uncle passed 2 days prior to my mom. My mom ended up having a brain aneurysm rupture. During the craniotomy, they found two more, and clipped them all. She was not recovering well and ended up being brain-dead from all of the pressure in her brain. I had to make the heartbreaking decision to pull her from life-support. She was an organ donor, and I found out that to be able to actually donate, you need to have an irreversible brain injury. She was pulled from life-support on the 25th, and she saved 4 people with her gifts. Someone got her liver, two people got her kidneys, and one very lucky person got her heart. Knowing that she did this, gave me a bit of relief. I know it was what she wanted, and she wouldn't have had it any other way. Barely a little over a year after that, I lost my stepdad in January of 2022. He was more of a dad than my biological dad. He taught me a lot of things and I couldn't be more grateful for him and his wisdom and unconditional love. He LOVED Ariana so much and I'm so sad that she lost her best friend. That same year, in September, I lost my grandpa. This one really hit me hard. He taught me how to fish, how to drive, how to work on my car, how to do yardwork. He taught me a lot of things that a man should know, and I am so thankful for that. I will forever miss my fishing buddy. When I was down for his funeral in November, my close cousin, that I literally talked to every single day, died after crashing his car driving back into town after a night of drinking. What is worse, is that we were all hanging out that night, and we were one of the last people to see him alive that night. It seemed like a terrible dream when I found out the next morning. It didn't seem real at all. 

Eight. Eight people that I loved and cared for deeply, were gone from my life. It all has seemed like a blur at this point. Like it all happened at lightspeed, and I had no control over where I was going. I would have never imagined that at 29 years old, that I would have lost so many important people in my life. It weighs heavy on my heart and my mind. All the "what ifs" and "what could have beens" that play in a loop. It's very emotionally exhausting. Loosing so many people in such a relatively short amount of time really doesn't give you much time to grieve in between. I feel like I didn't get the chance to "properly" grieve anyone that I've lost. I've just become numb to it all. 

Anyways....This went on A LOT longer than I anticipated, and I'm sorry for the extremely lengthy post. I feel like maybe I just really needed to type all of this out. Everything that I've experienced in the last 7 years has just been bottled up inside with nowhere to go. It needed to come out somewhere, so why not on a blog that no one reads? Makes sense to me and I definitely feel a lot better. 

I'm not sure if I will continue to write here, but damn it felt good to get it all out there.

Much Love All. <3

I don't get it..

I don't get how someone can erase you from their memory.
How someone can just delete your existence.
How someone can just walk past you and pretend nothing happened between you two.
How someone can completely forget about all of the memories you've made together.
How someone can just get over you so quickly.
How someone can just lie to your face.
How someone can just lose feelings unexpectedly.
How someone can change your entire mood in an instant.
How someone can walk away like you meant nothing.
I just don't get it...It doesn't make sense to me...

"What if"s are stupid...

The problem that I have, that I can't seem to correct, is that I let myself do things that I don't exactly think about before I do it. The choices that I have made may not be ones that people are too thrilled about. I have made some choices that have completely changed my life, and I am going to have to live with the consequences. Maybe these consequences could lead to better things, but as of right now, I am not soo thrilled that I have to deal with them. Peoples judgement of me and the things that I have chose to do in my life, make it very difficult for me to look at the silver lining in my situation. I know I will always have the support of my family and my true friends, but the judgement from others makes my situation soo much harder to deal with. I absolutely hate that "what if" feeling. It eats at me almost 24/7. It breaks me down at times and makes it just that much harder to see the good in things. "what if I didn't talk to him" "what if we never met" "what if I changed my mind" "what if I could change it all" "what if he does care, but doesn't show it" "what if I was different" "what if he decides to come back" "what if I wait and he decides to move on" "what if it was all just a huge mistake". All of these questions run through my head, making my brain hurt with thinking about all the possible answers to these "what if's". I just wish it would all end. All the questions would fade away into the darkness. Everything would fall into place the way I think it should fall. Everyone would mind their own business and focus on their problems, not mine. Everyone who passes me won't just judge me by what they have heard about me. Everything would just be okay. I would be happy, and everything would just be perfect. These ideas just send me back into deep thought, knowing that it will never happen and I just have to play the hand that I have been dealt. I will make the best of it. I will change everyones opinion of my decisions. I will see the good in things and live life to the fullest. Life is too short to let things keep me down. I am determined to change my life for the better and anyone who doesn't believe that I can achieve what I want, will be in shock when I prove them wrong.

sHE'S brOKen......

When you lose someone. Someone you love, when they break your heart, it's the hardest thing you could ever go through. and no matter how much time has passed, it never really goes away. You may think you're getting better, but then you get a flashback, or hear a song that reminds you of a memory, and it hits you all over again, all at once. Like a stab in the chest. You fall apart, for the hundredth time, and you feel like you just want to crawl under a rock and never come out. You love this person with all of your heart, even though you know you shouldn't. They hurt you worse than you've ever been hurt before, they stole your happiness, but yet, you still want them, and only them. Other people come along and give you chances to move on, but you know you don't want to. It upsets you that you might be moving on, because you promised you never would, and even if they broke all their promises, you want to keep yours. On top of that, you're terrified. Terrified of getting hurt again. But it's not like it matters anyway. At the end of the day, you're still thinking about the person who has left you completely broken when you needed them the most. You don't want to miss them anymore. You don't want to love them anymore, but you know you still do, and always will...

Finals: Made to turn every college student into a zombie and procrastinator

So I have almost completely finished my first semester of college here at Adams State University. I have made so many great friends and had some interesting experiences here. The very first day that I actually left Reserve, I practically cried almost the whole way up here. Don't get me wrong, I was really excited to get to go to college at ASU, but I guess what it came down to was, I was just scared. I knew that everything was changing and it scared me a lot. I love the way it used to be. Being in a place where everyone knows you, what you are doing and what car you drive. It is so different actually going to a school where I only know Tyler. Everyone looks at me like I am some sort of outsider. Like I don't belong here. That alone, makes me miss Reserve that much more. I miss walking down the hall between classes or after school in Jake's and I personally know everyone that I run into. ASU was completely scary when I first got here. Me and Tyler mostly just kept to ourselves. I eventually started coming out of my shell, and Tyler kind of started as well. We went to our first 18 and over bar and we had a blast with a few new friends that we met and got to know very well. After that first night, I started getting out more and doing other things that involved other students. I would try so hard to get Tyler to do stuff with me, but she just didn't really feel into it. I became extremely excited about this whole college thing when I became a cheerleader for ASU. It completely made my life and it started getting me recognized around campus. People started saying hello to me and recognizing me from the games and other events. I even ended up on the front cover of the San Luis Valley Newspaper doing a cartwheel during the homecoming parade. I absolutely love cheering and sometimes I have to catch myself before I accidentally yell out "Go Mountaineers!!" or "Come on Reserve". It is very hard to transition from Mountaineers to Grizzlies and from RHS to ASU. Well anyways, I love being a college cheerleader and it honestly makes being a college student less stressful. I have also joined a Black Belt Salsa class that I have been attending since the beginning of the semester. I met a lot of great people and I absolutely love to salsa now that I know how to do it. Not to mention, I met one of the most amazing, funny, charming, handsome, nicest, attractive guy in that class also. His name is Oscar and he totally makes my life. We officially met during salsa class, but I've seen him around campus and he totally caught my eye. The day we actually started talking was when we both signed up to be salsa apprentices. He helped me sign up and get registered. After that, we started hanging out more and more. He started just coming over to sleep in my bed with me at night and then he would leave the next morning to go to his classes. We would stay up till about three in the morning, getting to know each other and telling each other about our childhoods and lives before college. We turned out having a lot in common and we started developing stronger feelings towards each other. We started hanging out more and getting closer and he finally asked me to be his girlfriend in the beginning part of October. He treats me so good and I really hope that I do the same for him. Anyways back to the college stuff. This is the last week of my fall semester. Finals are kicking my butt and I can't wait for them to be over. They are complete torture and I believe that each and every college student would completely agree with me when I say that finals could very well be the death of me. So as I attempt to pull and all nighter to study, I decided that I wanted to take a break and share my experience on my blog for you guys. Hope all my college friends are smarter than me and studied and payed attention in class. Goodnight and for now, I am not yet a zombie.....ask me about it in about two or three hours....

Not Done Yet!

I haven't been on this in a while because I feel like no one reads it. I don't really care if anyone does because I don't write for people to listen, or sing for people to hear me. I write to get things off my chest and for those of you who know me well enough, you know that I'd rather write things out that say them in person or over the phone to someone. Writing calms me down and makes it easier to deal with problems that I am going through. I'd like to thank those of you who actually read what I write, but thats now exactly why i write. I don't write to entertain anyone, I write because that is how i express myself. We all ave problems, some are more difficult than others, yet we all find different ways of dealing with it. Music is very important to me because it is what I turn to when I don't really wanna talk to anyone. When I just want the whole outside world to fade away and just get lost in a song. There is a song for every mood you could possibly feel. Music will always be here. Whether it be culturally related or as a form or art. Art, dance, music and other forms of expression calm a person down and help them deal with difficult problems that one might have. I don't really know where I am going with this, but all I know is that I need to get my priorities straight and one of them is to flow all me emotions on this page more often for the six of you who read this blog. You already know a lot about my by my earlier posts, but I'm not even close to being completely understood yet. Which is maybe a good thing? lol

Words can hurt...

I just watched a couple of movies that really spoke out to me. Cyberbu//y and The Fat Boy Chronicles. These movies definitely make you think about how you may treat others or how others treat you. People get called names, get pushed around, teased and made fun of, yet no one ever tries to really do anything about it. People get judged by the way the dress, talk, look and the way they do things. Rumors are a huge factor in bullying and teasing as well. Girls are mostly the main cause of rumors but there are guys that do the exact same thing. Girls call eachother whores, skanks, cunts, easy, fake, b*****s and hoes because of the way they dress, or if they hang out with alot of guys. Guys call eachother gay, faggots, homos,  and queers by their sexuality or how they dress and talk. All of this is not just going on at school or in person. This is starting to become very common online, on social-networking sites like facebook and twitter. The phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" is the biggest lie anyone has ever told. How many times have you been called a name and it hurt your feelings in one way or another? I have been called all the above, and it truely hurts. It makes a person feel worthless and unwanted when someone calls them a name like that. They may not like to show how much it hurts, and how much it affect them. They dont want people to know that they have a weakness. Eventually it all builds up. All the emotion, all the pain, all the fear of not being good enough. It all comes out in one big heap of emotion. Words can hurt. If it is online or in person, it doesnt matter. It happens to everyone, in one form or another, yet no one says anything about it. No one wants to be the one who stands up and says that this is wrong. I believe that if a person feels that it is wrong, they should voice their opinion about it and not just stay silent in the background. One person standing up to another that bullies and harasses is all it takes. It takes one person to create a wave of inspiration to do the right thing. Most people have the instinct to do the right thing and say something, they just need the inspiration, the support, the example to get them going. One day, things will change for better or for worse. A lot of people say its just going to get worse from here......I am willing to challenge that...