Wow. I don't know what exactly told me to log back into this blog... but I decided to listen. It made me read through all of my old blog posts. Oh, how young and naive I was. Some of the posts on here are well thought out and have some deep insight into what was going on in my life and what I was feeling and thinking. Some of the other posts, not so much.
Well, I started this blog in 2011. I was sixteen at the time, and I think I started it not only to express myself in writing, but also some of my close friends at the time had started blogs as well. It was fun to be able to write about whatever I wanted. Whatever came to my mind, or whatever was in my thoughts at night, would come out on this blog for people to read. It was a great way to get things off my chest. So much has happened since the last time I posted on here.
So let me catch you up! Prepare yourself, it's going to be a long one!
Remember Oscar? The guy that I met at Adams State University, during my first year at college? Well... we have been together off and on for going on 9 years. It has honestly been a rollercoaster to say the least. But nonetheless, we figured our stuff out and are doing great! We are living in Colorado Springs, and I love it here. I also love that I am close to New Mexico, so it makes it easy to go visit family. We now have two beautiful children together and couldn't be happier. Ariana is our oldest, at 9 years old, born in July of 2014. Yes, I did become pregnant my first year of college....it happens, but I wouldn't change it for the world. She is such an amazing, talented, caring, funny, intelligent, beautiful little girl, that I couldn't be prouder of. She asked for a little brother or little sister so many times. To be honest, our plan wasn't exactly to have such a huge age difference between our kiddos, but things happen the way they are meant to. Ander is our youngest and quite possibly our last. He was born June of this year (2023). He is now five months old, and he is so much fun! He is always so happy. He loves to laugh, loves going on walks, loves being outside and looking at trees, loves the show "Bluey" and he loves just watching people talk in front of him. He is amazing and I can't wait to see them both grow up together. I never had really close siblings growing up, and pretty much grew up as an only child living with my grandparents. Which is fine by me because it made me who I am today. But I missed out on a lot of the "growing up with siblings" part. I absolutely cannot wait to experience that with my own kiddos.
Not only has a lot of great things happened to me, but a lot of terrible things have happened as well. I guess they say, "You can't have the good without the bad.". Unfortunately, I've had to learn that lesson the hard way apparently. It all started in 2016. My grandma (who raised me along with my grandpa) passed away at the age of 69. This was very hard on me, because it was like I was losing my mom. She was the mother-figure that I looked up to. She was such a role-model. She will always be the one person that I will strive to be like as I grow older. After that, in 2017, I ended up finding a close friend of mine, after he committed suicide. Now this one really changed a lot of my life. I ended up becoming really depressed and closed off to a lot of people. It caused problems between Oscar and I as well, that I won't go into details with. Not only that, but I also felt guilty, like it was my fault, or like I could have done more. I know now that there was absolutely nothing that I could have done to have a different outcome, but it's still a hard pill to swallow. Things kind of quieted down for a bit, and nothing too major was going on. Then the unthinkable happened when I ended up having a miscarriage at 7 weeks in November of 2019. I hadn't even told Oscar yet. It was devastating. COVID was its own thing all together. I ended up working from home a lot, Ari had online schooling, and Oscar ended up losing his job. It was a rough time, but it did force Oscar and I to be together and to work out a lot of our issues. We were doing great, and then it all came crashing down again. In October of 2020, I lost my mom and my uncle. My uncle passed 2 days prior to my mom. My mom ended up having a brain aneurysm rupture. During the craniotomy, they found two more, and clipped them all. She was not recovering well and ended up being brain-dead from all of the pressure in her brain. I had to make the heartbreaking decision to pull her from life-support. She was an organ donor, and I found out that to be able to actually donate, you need to have an irreversible brain injury. She was pulled from life-support on the 25th, and she saved 4 people with her gifts. Someone got her liver, two people got her kidneys, and one very lucky person got her heart. Knowing that she did this, gave me a bit of relief. I know it was what she wanted, and she wouldn't have had it any other way. Barely a little over a year after that, I lost my stepdad in January of 2022. He was more of a dad than my biological dad. He taught me a lot of things and I couldn't be more grateful for him and his wisdom and unconditional love. He LOVED Ariana so much and I'm so sad that she lost her best friend. That same year, in September, I lost my grandpa. This one really hit me hard. He taught me how to fish, how to drive, how to work on my car, how to do yardwork. He taught me a lot of things that a man should know, and I am so thankful for that. I will forever miss my fishing buddy. When I was down for his funeral in November, my close cousin, that I literally talked to every single day, died after crashing his car driving back into town after a night of drinking. What is worse, is that we were all hanging out that night, and we were one of the last people to see him alive that night. It seemed like a terrible dream when I found out the next morning. It didn't seem real at all.
Eight. Eight people that I loved and cared for deeply, were gone from my life. It all has seemed like a blur at this point. Like it all happened at lightspeed, and I had no control over where I was going. I would have never imagined that at 29 years old, that I would have lost so many important people in my life. It weighs heavy on my heart and my mind. All the "what ifs" and "what could have beens" that play in a loop. It's very emotionally exhausting. Loosing so many people in such a relatively short amount of time really doesn't give you much time to grieve in between. I feel like I didn't get the chance to "properly" grieve anyone that I've lost. I've just become numb to it all.
Anyways....This went on A LOT longer than I anticipated, and I'm sorry for the extremely lengthy post. I feel like maybe I just really needed to type all of this out. Everything that I've experienced in the last 7 years has just been bottled up inside with nowhere to go. It needed to come out somewhere, so why not on a blog that no one reads? Makes sense to me and I definitely feel a lot better.
I'm not sure if I will continue to write here, but damn it felt good to get it all out there.
Much Love All. <3
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